watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
