Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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