the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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