When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
