I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
