Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize