I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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