I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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