Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
