Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
