Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am spending my child support on dildos
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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