Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
