gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
