Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
