We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
