I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
