I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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