The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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