I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
