I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
