His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
