listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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