If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
How naked do you want me to be?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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