All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
