I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am naked and annoyed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
