I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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