Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
