I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
