so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
