i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
