so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
