Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
