Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
