How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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