i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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