i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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