It's Friday. Sex?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
