I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
be right there i have to get my cape
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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