Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
