did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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