Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
