Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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