Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
