Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
