i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
