I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
