so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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