you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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