Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
