Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
