you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
