Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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