you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why can't burritos get me drunk
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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