Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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