Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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