u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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