Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
