Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
You dont lie about slip and slides
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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