I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
