youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
