take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
