Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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