Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
