what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I showed him my bush... on skype.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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