Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
