onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
